Saturday, 18 August 2012

The world's gone mad

Hi Guys,

Phew. I haven't had a minute to stop and even breathe since I've been working for Melissa.
I can't believe that I first thought she was nice when I met her at interview; she's a total cow. Helen, who came with me to the Olympics, told me that everyone calls Melissa the 'smiling assasin'. I didn't know what she meant, at first, but then she told me loads of stories of how she makes people think she is lovely at first and gives them a couple of weeks to settle in and then she gives them all the horrible jobs and starts picking on them. Well...that was me, last week. After I got back from the Olympics (which was amazing, by the way), I was so tired and ready to go to bed for the whole weekend but Melissa had other plans. She made me go away with her to a remote village in Scotland. Apparantley, there is a woman living in a converted windmill, who everyone thinks is posessed by the devil. There have been stories in the local papers about her head spinning round and goo coming out of her mouth. Now firstly, I didn't believe that for a minute and secondly, if for the slightest reason it was true then there was no way that I wanted to go and see it for myself. You know me - I'm a total scardy cat! Anyway, I didn't get a choice did I. It turned out that I was Melissa's new scapegoat and she wanted to watch me get frightened to death. Lovely.

So, Melissa drove us all the way there and I was forced to listen to her boring music. She loves Ed Shearen and to me it is just total drone (no offence, Ed, but I much prefer Placebo). She didn't speak much, but every now and then I saw her give me a patronising glance.

Once we got there, she told me that I was to knock on the door and ask for Mrs. MacBridie and tell her we'd come to interview her. I asked Melissa if she knew we were coming and she said that if she knew, there was no way she'd have agreed and that we were going to ask her there and then. Anyway, I knocked on the door while Melissa stood miles away and this normal old woman answered. I asked her if she wouldn't mind being interviewed as it seems that she was a local celebrity and we wanted to take her story national. She invited us in for some tea and scones and, to be honest, I wasn't scared at all. Apart from looking a little bit witchy (long grey straggly hair, thin skeletal body and wearing lots of black) she was quite nice. Anyway, once Melissa knew there was nothing to be scared of, she started asking the woman loads of questions about what she thought about what people were saying and the woman said that just because she didn't look like other elderly women, people have started rumours and she was quite happy to let them think all of this evil stuff because it meant she got to be left in peace and there was no danger of any hoodies beating her up.

Once we'd asked her the questions (I could see Melissa was disappointed that she didn't try and turn us into frogs) we got up to go but then the woman wouldn't let us out. She said that we had some nerve coming into her house and accusing her of being a witch and as punishment she was going to keep us prisoner for a bit. When Melissa got out her mobile phone to call the police the woman grabbed this pole thing from the fireplace and started hitting Melissa with it. She knocked the mobile out of her hand and took it. She then threatened to beat me up unless I gave her my phone (which I did, obviously - the woman was a total psycho!)

After that she told us to sit down and she just sat there staring at us and giggling. I must admit, the giggling did sound kind of evil and I was starting to get really scared. The woman then opened the cupboard above the television and got out this mini cauldron thing and told us that she was going to do a spell and put a curse on us. She started chanting in some strange language and I swear I nearly puked up. Melissa was pale and I thought I saw her body shaking.

After about an hour the woman stood up and said we could leave. 'And don't come back again!' she screamed after us. I don't believe for one minute that she was posessed by the devil, but I think she was a total nut job who needed to be locked up for good. I kept wondering what would have happened had she not let us go? I told Melissa that I didn't think these sorts of assignments were a good idea but she freaked out and said that if I didn't want to go to see evil people then I was in the wrong job. I told her that if I'd wanted to work with psychos I'd have joined the police and then she said that if I wanted to stay in this job that she'd be sending me on all the demonic cases. I told her that it was totally unfair of her to do this and she said that she could do what she wanted because she was the boss. We travelled the rest of the way in total silence (except for Ed Shearen) and then when we got back home (last night) I told her that I'd had enough and she could find a new mug to give up their lives for that job.

So there, I have no job, I've had no sleep and I've probably been cursed. Great, eh? Other than that I'm feeling quite good. I'm going to go back to bed now because I'm totally exhausted and fed up and until next time...

Callie signing off


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