Saturday, 9 March 2013


Hi guys,

Sorry I've not been in touch for a while, but I've not been myself lately and I didn't feel like getting out of bed, never mind updating my blog. On the 30th January, just when we all thought my dad was OK,  his condition deteriorated and he went into cardiac arrest. Unfortunately, this time, they couldn't revive him and so he passed away. I have no words to express how I feel, because I've never known anyone die before (my grandparents passed away when I was too young to understand) and the emptiness is just so unbearable. I've spent most of my time walking around my local nature reserve, crying. I try not to do this at home, because then it starts Mum and Lila off,  and I don't want to upset them any more than they are already.  Mum's been quiet, and she's been spending a lot of time with her friend, going out to the local bingo and shopping. She keeps coming back home with all these things that we don't need, but I know she's doing it to take her mind off things.  Lila is much the same, although I know she is just putting on a brave face, because I heard her crying in her room the other night.  I don't know when I'll get over it.

The whole situation has made me realise that life's too short, and I've decided that I need to re-evaluate my life, as I've known for some time that my job isn't satisfying me any more. I think I've outgrown journalism. I need to do something more meaningful, but I don't know, as yet, what that could be.

Ben started to get annoyed with me for being so depressed all the time. He was OK, at first, but the other night he said that it had been almost two months and I should be over it by now. I was hurt that he could say something like that and I realised that I didn't know him at all, really. It was his looks I fell for; he was the image of my hero, Dave Grohl, but deep down I knew this wasn't enough any more. I'd called Lila shallow enough times for going out with men just for their money, yet here I was, doing the same thing because of the way somebody looked. He was a great cook, too, I'll give him that (and you know how much I love food), yet I've lost my appetite recently and Ben, too, didn't seem so appetising any more. So, I dumped him. It had been going well between us, but looking back, I knew it was only shallow fun and that there wouldn't be a future in it.

I now know that going along with the flow leads to unfulfilled lives, and before you know it, you've let important things slip by while you've been too busy having fun.

Sorry if you were expecting my usual cheery blog post, but I think it may be some time before I feel able to write anything lighthearted; therefore, I am going to leave this blog for a while. I've decided to go to America and stay with Lily for a bit. She says I can stay as long as I like. I've saved up enough money for the air fare, and my boss has agreed I can take six months off, unpaid and they will leave my position open. If I need any longer, then I will lose my job,but, at this point in time, I'm not sure if that's a bad thing. I won't be working with Lily this time, I'm going to try and get a waitressing job or something similar, just to keep me going and help Lily with food and bills, but I just need to get away. Being at home reminds me too much of Dad, and there's a big world out there, waiting to be explored. I might check in, every now and again, but I feel it may be some time before I'm able to blog regularly again.

So, until next time (whenever that may be...)

Callie signing off